Undercover Metrosexual

I really look forward to my monthly volunteer trail patrol outings for the California State Parks. It not only gives me an opportunity to get in some mountain biking on my favorite trails and help park visitors. It also gives me the chance to spend some time with my buddy Keith, “the Governor.” I get a guy’s point of view on things. He gets a girl’s point of view on things. All good.

So, it took me about three years to work up the nerve to suggest that he shave his bushy mustache. I’m not a huge fan of facial hair (blame my dad). And I thought Keith would look about 12 years younger without the salt-n-pepper furry thing above his lip. A month later, he was all baby faced sans mustache. [Recent picture of proof to come.]

Then this month, he totally surprised me by announcing that he got a Brazilian wax at the grocery store. I was dumbfounded. I wasn’t actually sure if he knew what that was so I waited for his guy’s point of view on the whole thing.

“Yeah, I got some Brazilian wax at the grocery store!” he said.

“Keith that isn’t something I’d get done without the help of a professional.” I answered. Still skeptical that he knew what a Brazilian was – and the delicacy of the procedure, I waited and wondered what possessed him.

“I didn’t have a choice!” he explained.

Turns out when Keith was on his usual “Sprockethead ride” with his buddies, he took a fall. He was on his single speed when his buddy crossed his path. He lost momentum and in order to avoid taking out his buddy, he sacrificed one for the team. One being a very large, mature cactus.

It was the kind of fall we refer to as “an Artie.” If you’re old enough to remember Laugh In, you’ll remember how comical it was to see Artie Johnson fall off his bike in slow motion and land on his back. In the process, Keith did not sacrifice any tires or tubes… just his legs.

As he helped prepare dinner for the Sprocketheads, Brett and Chay attempted to remove all the needles with pliers. Pete took pictures. Steve recounted the night by saying, “There were so many needles on his legs that it looked like fur!!”

The Governor is a brave soul. After all, a guy picking up a home Brazilian wax kit has to be up there with buying tampons or Cosmo. I needed more details for this post. “Was it Nads? What brand was it?” I asked. “I dunno, it came in a white and baby blue jar, “ he answered. See? He really is a guy. He later reported it was Sally Hansens, which by the way goes by the tagline “Beauty that works.” Little did this beauty company consider marketing its product to male mountain bikers with needle-infested legs.

This brought another dilemma for the boy. He couldn’t get all of the wax out of his pores. The remnants were black dots. (The rest of his legs looked like he had a bad case of acne and a fight with a cat.) So I gave him some advice that he could only get from a girl – how to make his own homemade exfoliation treatment out of sea salt and olive oil. The next time I see him on trail patrol, I expect to find his legs to be completely healed without any evidence of dead skin cells.

I also got a guy’s point of view on the situation. 734’s Dad said, “Keith, next time you wipe out like that try Elmer’s glue to remove the needles.”